If this is my outlet... let it be.

So today would have been my first Dr appointment to see a baby's little heartbeat.
I can't say that it doesn't sting a little bit.
I fall into the worry of, what if we can't have any more children? What if Asher is our only blessing?
I know that it is ridiculous.... but that is where my mind sometimes likes to visit. The land of ridiculous-ness.
Of all the worry I did before about welcoming a 2nd child into our already "joyful to the gills" family, I sure have embraced the thought whole-heartedly.
I am sad that it pushes them farther apart... I always wanted my kids to be close, share a room, have what I didn't. The longer it takes to happen for us, the less that dream seems like a reality.
I know that we are truly blessed to have such a healthy and happy little man, but I can't tell you that I am content with the thought of only having one child.
I was able to hold a precious little 3 week old baby girl on Sunday.... Rich held her too.
I died.
I want that again so much!!!
I loved every bit of the puke and poop and waking up at times at night....
The reason?...... I felt so close and bonded with Asher as a baby. I was his comfort, his nourishment, his everything.  Now that he is so much more independent, I don't feel as close to him.
I know that it is a circle of life and how things are supposed to go. Don't get me wrong, he's still a mama's boy--- ( I wouldn't have it any other way!) But I'm sad that he doesn't like to rock, or snuggle as much as he once did.  He smells like a dirty, sweaty, stink feet-ed little boy most of the time, and only smells of baby as soon as he gets out of bath. It's only because I have yet to give up the baby bath soap!
I miss being a mama to a baby.
While I know that, more than likely, we will have more kids.... I guess I am just impatient.
Since the thought of another baby coming has swirled in my mind, I can't get over it.
I want one now!!!

Lucky for Rich, huh? :))