If this is my outlet... let it be.

So today would have been my first Dr appointment to see a baby's little heartbeat.
I can't say that it doesn't sting a little bit.
I fall into the worry of, what if we can't have any more children? What if Asher is our only blessing?
I know that it is ridiculous.... but that is where my mind sometimes likes to visit. The land of ridiculous-ness.
Of all the worry I did before about welcoming a 2nd child into our already "joyful to the gills" family, I sure have embraced the thought whole-heartedly.
I am sad that it pushes them farther apart... I always wanted my kids to be close, share a room, have what I didn't. The longer it takes to happen for us, the less that dream seems like a reality.
I know that we are truly blessed to have such a healthy and happy little man, but I can't tell you that I am content with the thought of only having one child.
I was able to hold a precious little 3 week old baby girl on Sunday.... Rich held her too.
I died.
I want that again so much!!!
I loved every bit of the puke and poop and waking up at times at night....
The reason?...... I felt so close and bonded with Asher as a baby. I was his comfort, his nourishment, his everything.  Now that he is so much more independent, I don't feel as close to him.
I know that it is a circle of life and how things are supposed to go. Don't get me wrong, he's still a mama's boy--- ( I wouldn't have it any other way!) But I'm sad that he doesn't like to rock, or snuggle as much as he once did.  He smells like a dirty, sweaty, stink feet-ed little boy most of the time, and only smells of baby as soon as he gets out of bath. It's only because I have yet to give up the baby bath soap!
I miss being a mama to a baby.
While I know that, more than likely, we will have more kids.... I guess I am just impatient.
Since the thought of another baby coming has swirled in my mind, I can't get over it.
I want one now!!!

Lucky for Rich, huh? :))

A Special Day

This weekend was Rich and my 6th Wedding Anniversary.
We had planned long ago to help out with Kid's Camp that weekend also.
We love to help out with camp and so, to us, we would just celebrate it another day.
Saturday came and we played and got messy and hot and tired.
After cleaning up a little bit, we go to worship later that evening.
As our camp pastor John starts to talk, he's talking about special days and how 2 people here had a special day.
As I sat there I knew something was up!
He asked Rich and I to come up to the stage, while someone gave me a bouquet of flowers and John tells us that we are going to have a little ceremony to renew our vows!!
So, in front of  75 kids and adults, Rich and I got married..... again.
And you know, it really epitomized marriage....
We were standing there exhausted, looking especially natural with T-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.
But yet, despite that... we still meant every word.
Marriage is not a fairy tale where you wake up with hair fixed by singing birds and everything is always passion filled and wonderful.
Marriage is booger wiping, hair is a mess, breath is stinky, falling in the toilet kind of real.
It is still wonderful, and the passion evolves into a love that is more deep and eternal.
I thought I married my best friend 6 years ago, but standing there listening and repeating the words we said to each other before, gave new meaning to them. Fully understanding the amount of choice and effort to be married, I realized that Rich is more of my best friend now than he ever has been before. 

It's a special day that I'll never forget!!
Thanks to Lindell, John, and everyone there, for celebrating a true wedding!

Seis....

 6 years =

2191 days
312 weeks
72 months
2 dogs
2 cats (cerebellar disabled cats)
2 cities
1 apartment
3 horrible cooking failures ( 2 pancake attempts-one of which I made him eat spatula-literally, and 1 pumpkin pie)
6 jobs
2 microwaves
2 kitchen tables
3 beds
1 birth
1 loss
Countless laughs, smiles, hugs, kisses,  and wonderful memories.

I can't imagine experiencing these with anyone else.....

         

Happy Anniversary my Best Friend!!!!!

Puts it in perspective

Well..... I have a post about a wonderful day.
It was a Saturday and we were scared and excited.
In the next 4 days we would fall in love with it already.

God has fashioned our bodies to do amazing things...

Yesterday I was concerned, ended up calling my Dr. because of the bleeding.
Ended up at the Emergency Room later that night.
We were there from 6 until 10:45 and hungry, tired, and tried to pass the time with Bizarre Foods and HGTV.
I had blood tests and an ultrasound taken and they determined that there must have been a window where my body was pregnant but soon after it knew that the egg was not right and was beginning to flush it out.
It was only a fluke that I even found out about it.
I tested on the day that my body had enough hormone to even show up on the test.

So, while we are sad for the fact that we were excited to welcome a little brother or sister now, we are not discouraged and feel like God knows and was allowing my body to do what needed to be done for us to have a healthy baby one day.
I know that Satan's biggest victory is death... therefore, I will glorify the One who gives and takes away. Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

$18.25

After a night without a child, I was sure I would sleep in and it would be so wonderful!!
Well..... I didn't. I woke up at, ready for this?  7am.  I know, I know, but for me... it's early.
I was rearing to go, too.  So, I thought that I would hit some Garage Sales that day. And boy did I!
Here's what I scored for the day..... 4 Sales.
$5.75
-3 little girl onesies for my dear darling friend
-1 little sweet pea shirt for the same friend
-1 pink and green flowered crib sheet for me... just in case:)
- 1  4th of July outfit that I could NOT resist. I initially bought it for the darling friend, but then after the fact, I realized she's not due until July 22nd, so this one is a just in case buy for me too.
$7.00
This sale was a sweet pregnant lady who was selling all of her silver jeans and size 8 stuff... which I wear! Score!! Or so I thought... they were all talls :( BOO!!!!! I did however get
-2 vintage vacation shirts... you know the ones with sunsets and look 60's?....
-1 pair of basketballs shorts for girls
-1 pair of  green Bermuda shorts
AND... the best buy of the day:
-1 pair of never worn, camel suede knee boots for the winter! They even have rubber soles so they will be perfect for walking and keeping my feet cozy! They were $5.00!
$4.00
Here was mainly home decor:
-A lunchbox that I'm gonna use for a makeup bag. Perfect size and shape and I'm hoping it won't melt my makeup when we go to Children's camp this weekend.
-1 iron curtain rod... was needing them for the office. Also had 2 curtains in my hand BEFORE I found the curtain rod and then when I went back for them... someone else got em.:(
- 1 wicker birdhouse that was brand new with the tag still on... Asher loves to watch birds and we have had SOO many baby birds around this year. Think I'll place it in the tree in front of his window.
1- small picture frame, perfect for a little spot on our nightstand.
$1.50 Last stop for the day
1- vintage necklace that is gorgeous with the cutest bow closure
1-Gymboree romper with the cutest ruffled criss cross in the back. Still deciding to keep or send to Palmer:)
and 2 oatmeal cookies to help a little boy earn some money AND to offer a penitence for the husband.

I had a wonderful time.... I rarely get to do things like this, so the time by myself, doing what I enjoy was worth every penny!!!

My Summer To DO:

We copied a tradition from this awesome rainbow lovin Mama.

http://megduerksen.typepad.com/whatever/2011/06/the-summer-list.html

Thought this was prefect as a daily reminder to have some fun this summer!
As a goal for our family to experience special things that only warm, sunny days can provide!
So I took it a step further and decided to make one just for myself....
 So here's my Summer to do:

* Get somewhat of a tan  * Give myself weekly or every other week pedicures (complete with foot soak and lotion) * Embrace my freckles... and not worry about going in public this way. ( If I have a little tan, I usually don't end up wearing much makeup anyways!)
* Wear more dresses     * Don't worry about how I look in a swimsuit ( oh how this is easier said than done!)    * Make lots of watermelon lemonade!   * Give myself more quiet time with my Lord    * Camping date night     
* Become much more loosy goosy.... don't worry about my house being perfect. We will spend more time outside anyways.       * Don't kill my flowers          * Sew more... there's so many projects that I want to try, but need to finally allow myself to do them!  And as a side goal to make this possible is to watch less tv.... until Madmen comes on. 

I hope that, even if you don't have a planned vacation with your family, that you can take time to do those things that make you feel the best and most happy. Make time for them... it's worth it!

16 and Pregnant

I, in a desperate attempt to veg out for a minute during my lunch break, happened upon this Mtv show "16 and Pregnant". I watched for a while after missing a few minutes in the beginning and birth I guess. I started to watch as the new family were on their way home from the hospital.
Oh the stress of those first nights.... the memories came flooding back.
This poor girl had a baby who wouldn't breastfeed very well and was getting dehydrated because he couldn't take the bottle well either.
And, of course, she was an emotional basket case.... darn. those. hormones.
I felt for her... they woke up every 45 minutes that night to a screaming little newborn.
I had been there.... I knew what she was going through.


I had those constant tears and frustrations of not being able to understand yet what they need. And the thoughts of being a bad mother for letting him get dehydrated just made me so sad for her.
I could hardly handle it at 24.... here she was doing it at 16. Man....
I could tell that she was going to be a great mother. She was genuinely concerned for her little one and worried all night about if he was ok.
I can imagine it is very hard for her... life will never be the same.
I had to pray for her and the struggles that will come... but later on when the hormones settle, there will be so much blessing in store!