It's not my calling

It's a quater til 3...... am!!!!! I am gonna PAY for this in the morning!

My heart is super heavy tonight.

I have been reading "Radical" by David Platt.

This book has challenged me more than any other book I can say as I have ever read. Except, of course, The Book ( Bible in case you were wondering).

I just came out of a chapter entitled..... "I'm not called."

Think about your church..... if you are like me, you have heard this before.

There are people who are these "radicals" who sell all their belongings and move to war torn foreign countries and carry out their mission to spread the Gospel, but that's their calling.

Here's just a little excerpt that punctured MY heart.

"I'm not called to foreign missions." When we say this we are usually referring to foreign missions as an optional program in the church for a faithful few who are apparently called to that. Meanwhile, the rest of us are more than willing to watch their slide shows, and praise them for their faithfulness, but in the end God has not called most of us to this mission thing. 

Where in the Bible does it say that missions as an optional part of church? We were all created by God, saved from our sins, and blessed by God to make His Glory known in all the world!

We have unnecessarily ( and unbiblically) drawn a line of distinction, assigning the obligations of Christianity to a few while keeping the privileges for us all. "

The last part of that has REALLY brought me to my knees. 

Confession: I have never lead someone to the Lord. 

Now, as long as I have been serving in the ministry I do feel I have provided encouragement and knowledge for someone to make that decision at some point.... some have, some probably haven't. 

But I have never been there to help someone who's heart is crying for God. 

And you know what? I WANT to. 

There are many times that I could have shared the love of Christ and didn't. 

In one instance, I was working at Wal-mart when Rich and I were first married. I was a cashier and, for the most part, didn't mind it there. I was checking out another employee and was just making small talk, when he said, " You aren't from Bolivar, are you?" I was taken aback a little and said, "No." but asked him why he would notice that. He said, "Because you are just too nice." 

Wow. Someone to notice something that I was brought up to do as something unusual made me really think. I gave him some answer like I had nothing to be down about and how I was brought up to learn that you are nice to people, even if they aren't to you. 

What I would give to go back and say... " I'm a sinner saved by Grace and my smile is only because God loves me."  

I want this to be my proclamation.... I love because God loves, the joy I have in life is only because of the gift that Jesus is to me. 

I had the opportunity to start this life of giving in the name of Christ yesterday. I got an email from the prayer tree at church and it said that a single mom needed some things for her apartment. One of those things was a mattress. Rich and I have had a king size mattress in our garage for a long time and kept saying how badly we needed to get rid of it. Rich called me about it and told me to call her and ask if she could use it. I called and talked to her, and she was telling me that they (she and her 2 kids) had been sleeping on the floor. She was so glad to have it and we worked out a way to get the mattress to her house that day. We also gave her our coffee table as well as a comforter, sheet set,  and pillow cases for the bed. I was at work so I was not able to meet her, but Rich was able to come home and help get everything loaded up. When I got home he said that she was very appreciative and was so glad to have a comfortable place to sleep. 

I am so happy to know that God gave us this opportunity to help a family sleep in a bed. My heart was overjoyed laying my head down knowing that God used me to bless this family. 

   

  I have been convicted for the fact that I can embrace the blessings that God has poured upon me to decorate my house with treasures of the world, but I am not willing to use them for the real purpose. 

Do you really think that God wants us to use His blessings on things like a big screen or other things to make this life (that is designed for His Glory) more comfortable for us and to further attach our hearts to the world? 

   Platt writes about 4 people: a college student, a successful businessman, a retired couple, all who are doing incredible things in the name of Christ. Here's what he concludes about them:

" They believe they were created for more than a Christian spin on the American dream. They believe the purpose of their lives is deeper than having a nice job, raising a decent family, living a comfortable life, and tacking church attendance on the end of it. They believe God has shown them great grace in order that He might use them to accomplish the glorious, global, God-exalting purpose that has been primary since the beginning of time, and they don't want to settle for anything less than radical abandonment to that purpose."

While I am still seeking what God wants to open up in me.... I am excited. I am thankful to finally be aware of my barren tree and pray that this revival within me will change me forever.

Loaded Questions........

Hmmmm.....
I'm coming off of a very emotionally exhausting evening.
I was at work at all day yesterday. Bible Study is scheduled for Thursday nights.
I was struggling between going and staying home with Asher.
I remembered someone saying that anything worth doing is worth sacrifice. So.......
Despite my initial resist to stay home and have a evening with Asher, I decided to join my husband and go.
From the time I got home it was rush, rush. Asher was not really hungry for dinner yet, so I asked if I could pack up some things and go by and get him some chicken and a milkshake and we would eat it there.
A couple who is hosting/teaching the study is so gracious to offer us some snacks before-hand. I had not been to it before so I was not sure what to expect.... I thought I would have enough time to sit and help Asher eat before going in...... but time crept up and after just getting Ash situated with his "dinner" it was time for the class to start.
He was not crazy about the idea of going to begin with, so he kept asking if I would come back later and see him....( kills me!!!!)
"Of course! I said, Mommy is going to come and pick you up to go home in a little bit, but you get to stay and play for a while." ( My sad attempt to keep it positive since I was dying inside)
He was cool with that, but as I walked away..... I saw him. Eating. Fast Food. All alone at the table.
All the other kids were playing already and so he had to wait to play until he ate a little.
As I walked out of the room he turned around and smiled and I threw him our "LoVe" in sign language. I closed the door and BAWLED....( you can ask my friends who were so lucky to witness it)!
I felt like Satan was right there telling me how horrible of a mother I was by coming to church  and leaving him in someone else's care after you have been gone from him all day.
I fought all I could not to tell Rich to hitch a ride with someone else and Ash and I were going home.
I of course drew attention to myself--- as I am not someone who you can't walk by and not noticed I have been crying...i.e. completely red everything... cheeks, eyes, ears, nose. So after a few pep talks from a few sweet women about how fine he was.... I went to the bathroom to calm down and pray.
I could tell that Satan was all over me.....
There was a blessing that he didn't want me to have. He knows how insane about scripture I can get when I am involved with a study and he wanted me having no part of it!
Looking back it's insane to think of all the stops he put out to put me back in that place.....
Rich was not in the best mood, we were all feeling tired and overwhelmed with a lot on our minds....
Which brings me to someone telling me how much I have my hands full with Asher.......
Moms? Have you ever had someone tell you this?
What is your first reaction?
Yeah. That was mine too......
But then I got to thinking.......
I don't notice it.
I guess it's like when you think a baby is actually kinda ugly ( in the world's view) but their parents think they are the most beautiful thing that was ever created.
Is Asher a handful.... yes, sometimes I can understand why some animals eat their offspring.
But you know what else?
As I brought that kid home we played eye spy all the way and every animal he described was a whale. Completely cracked me up
In the bathtub, he spelled the word Dog like this......XGH4. And argued with me that that was what it spelled.
He read to ME, word for word, the story of Jonah.... even played out God's voice.
He and I sprayed our "anti-bad thing" spray that protects his bed from big bad things like wolves and sharks.
He kissed and snuggled me goodnight and asked me how my foot was...( I dropped a glass bowl on it earlier in the day)
Needless to say, Asher is the perfect child for me..... he is incredibly smart, has a tender heart, insatiable imagination, and just melts this Mama in every way.
So yes.... by your terms, he may be a handful..... so I guess that's why God put him in my arms.
And I am so blessed and happy for him to be there.
So there.
And by the way.... I was so blessed to be in God's word and have already done my homework for the week AND read the next weeks scripture. Twice.
Bam.... take that Satan!

Revelation

You're worthy, so worthy,
You tore the seals,
You took the scroll.

You paid in blood,
and we have it all,
Bought us back,
Suffered our fall.

The Lamb was slain,
But stills stands tall,
Remains in power,
Worthy for us all.

You're worthy, so worthy,
To take your seat,
to place the victory,
at the base of your feet.

All the universe shall sing,
Honor, Power, Glory, forever,
To you, the Slain Lamb of God,
The Almighty, our King!

Some of the things I love, want, or want to make...

I was on one of my favorite blogs today......
http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/
she is doing a giveaway day and have several of her sponsors giving gift cards, etc. to some of her followers. I found some things that I LOVE:

Some things that I WANT :

 
Some things that I want to make:

Here are some AMAZING Etsy shops for those of you who have taste like me........
http://www.etsy.com/shop/janesaysvintage
http://www.etsy.com/shop/stellabellaboutique
http://www.etsy.com/shop/fortheloveofjoy
http://www.etsy.com/shop/tweetbabydesigns
http://www.shopgussy.com/

It's times like this...

Isn't it funny how sometimes you just don't meld with your children?
I'm beginning to wonder if it is his age and the fact that he is identifying more with his Daddy, but there are days where Asher and I just simply don't get along.....
Yesterday, we had great plans to go to the grocery store as we almost always do on Mondays.... And as usual, he didn't want to go. Especially after the busy day we have on Sundays, he doesn't like to go.... he's ready to play at home with his train table and cars and not be bothered.
And, as normal, he fussed when I changed his clothes, gave him breakfast, and put him in the car.
I did, however, bring a sucker to enjoy while we were shopping.... which seemed to work great, until he dropped it. You all can use your imagination to figure out what happened next....
Truly, it was not as bad as I had thought it was going to be, for I explained to him that sometimes in life, we drop our suckers.... and that's it, no more. Once it has touched the surface of the nasty child germ infested car shopping cart.... it's toxic.
Luckily, we were almost finished and were on our way to the check-out line. He calmed down once he was able to eye the candy counter. It's funny cause he doesn't ask, he doesn't touch, he just lists off the things that look "cool". He says, "Oh Mom, that Kit Kat would be cool!" ( I knew that the Berenstain Bears Gimmies book would teach him a great lesson!)
So when we get back to the house Rich was waiting for us to give me my Valentine surprise. In our house, anytime we have a surprise, we have to sit on the couch and cover our eyes. So Asher and I both do this. We open them to a beautiful wrapped Godiva chocolate box! My favorite! Rich had even gone and hand-picked ones to make the assortment. My favorite are the Champagne Truffles and so I had 2 of those! Of course Asher, since he is more like his Mama than he would like to think, was wide eyed at the thought of biting into one of those chocolates! He wanted a Champagne one... So, I let him take a bite... he was hooked! He wanted the whole thing so, being I am the good Mama I am, I let him cover his hands and mouth with my favorite. Rich wanted to try it too, so he took a bite of Asher's.... immediately Asher started crying at the thought of not having a whole chocolate to savor, and would not calm down until I gave him another one..... not just any one..... yep. The other one. Rich said "No.... no... that's the last one!", But I couldn't help it.... my little Valentine was sad, and this Mama just couldn't let him cry like that over chocolate. So, it was his too! I ate the slobbered and half melted one that was smooshed into those little fingers.
Overall, we had a battle of a day...in fact it was a battle of a weekend really. Asher had a hard time listening to directions and I had a hard time being in the present with him. When we, as Mom's, have days when your child will not obey and you seem like you are either telling them to do something or not to do something, it sure is easy to check out.
Lately, I have noticed that I have been easily pulled away....
I get frustrated with feeling like I am a bad parent and that is why my son is acting out in this way.
He's becoming more aggressive and more defiant. It is another animal to mother a little boy and all the energy it involves. The simple fact that we are not the same can put a road block in how he and I can relate and communicate well.
And truth be told..... I hate having only 2 days during the week to spend with him. I feel like I rush to get all the errands done on Mondays and Wednesdays we are home most of the morning, but we have church that evening so, again, we are going somewhere.
I am really praying that God will open a door for me to spend more time home instead of working. I am willfully working while I can to help put us in better finances, so that way we don't have to stress and worry as much as we were before. But I can't help mourn for my life as a stay at home Mom, for that is the job that I want more than anything.
It is times like these when you are put under the most stress, while your child is hitting you or yelling "NO!" at you to make you step back and put your own attitude under a microscope. How am I handling this.... am I handling it the way that God would want me to?
I know that he is 2.... I know that he is a boy.... I know that he's a smart little guy with lots of curiosity and energy. 
As I was telling my friend, I know that he is going to be a leader in life... he has a strong and social personality and he will be a great man one day.  He says he wants to be a "Racer" ( pray for Jesus to return, please?).  But for now, all that energy can be focused on something great and that can impact the kingdom of God or it can be focused on something that is not.  That is my responsibility...... to make sure that his greatness is created and used for His Greatness.
I know in the heat of things I don't appreciate the attitude and defiance that he puts up, but I know that he is naturally doing what God has destined him for. To be an independent man who can take care of, provide for, and protect a family of his own one day...... so, *sigh* I guess it's worth it, right?
Despite the day that we have, I am thankful that he still snuggles me at night before bed and is vulnerable enough to not want me to leave.
And that is the grace of God.....
We take on the next day with a fresh start with hopes of it being the best it can be..... he wakes loving me bushels... it may fade a little during the day... but then when the moon is out, teeth are brushed, lights are out --I hear again....."Love you the MOST, Mom!"
Yeah...... It's worth it.........

I'm not Bohemian

Sometimes it's hard for me.....
I want to believe that I am an artsy creative type, and sometimes I do feel as though I need to create and have some sort of outlet, but can't.
I want to be a hippy and take life as each moment presents.
Nothing but flowing, long cotton dresses and staying home to paint, craft, cook, decorate, all the while taking gorgeous pictures of each.
But that's just not my reality...... I think that  closest thing I have come to has been cleaning my office yesterday.
I love to cook, I love to craft, I love to decorate.... but unfortunately I have work, no money, or much time.
So, I am starting small.......
Here's some of the things I am going to do to be more Bohemian....:)
I'm making these:
Truffle Mashed Potatoes




  

I am donning these:

And I am going to attempt to do this to the office ( now that it is clean). The shelf I mean....
I also am planning on doing at least some kind of art project per day with Asher..... I can tell he is not that into coloring and artsy things, and I don't know whether it is a boy thing or he's not gonna be that way... but never the less I want him exposed.

So here's what we are doing tonight, just in time for Valentine's Day! Thanks Summertime Studio!!!!!
So even though I'm not as Bohemian as I would like to be, I can still try to taste each day like it's made with truffle oil,  and look at the scenes of my life like a great piece of art.