I'll be honest today. I was not in the mood for church. I thought I was.... I sure wanted to be...... I sang with a longing to feel and hear from God. I may have been trying too hard...... God knew that my heart was not there. Needless to say, my bad mood made for a meaningless worship time. Not that the music was bad or the preaching was dry, cause they were great, it was all in my head. God WAS there, He WAS moving in the hearts of believers and non-believers..... just not mine.
The annoyance of the morning sneaked into my afternoon.... went to have a good lunch at a restaurant that my Dad loves and was looking forward to having a great time visiting as a family. Asher had a different plan. He apparently was not hungry...(maybe from all the goldfish eaten at church?) He was tired, he was bored. And ya know he wasn't BAD..... he just wouldn't eat, wouldn't sit still and made it really hard on Mommy and Daddy who were trying to scarf down our food. I suppose it could have been worse with screaming and fit throwing.... I realize that now.
Was so glad to get home and get to bed..... Sunday naps were in straight order. Ash, again, had another plan.
He is a boy who never "likes" to sleep. Not that he doesn't need a nap anymore, but he doesn't like having to stop playing to take one. He fought me on getting into his comfy clothes (as we call them) and proceeded to whack me in the face with his head. (As a parent you are all too familiar with bloodied lips from heads coming up and smacking them....) That added to the mood. Then we moved to the bedroom and he had taken all of his puzzles and dumped them out.... which was about 6 of them, each with about 10 pieces to them as well as an alphabet one. I don't want to waste time, so I pick them up myself. I take 2 and put them in his closet and he takes the other 4 and pours them out AGAIN!
I was beyond the bad mood at this point, I was down right MAD! He gets put into timeout and after about 30 seconds he gets out......
Repeat the above scenario 3 times. I was thinking to myself how much I want to run far away... and I probably should have.
I hate being mad at him. I hate having been in a foul mood all day and the last straw is usually brought on by my family. I feel awful when I let my emotions run wild and can't keep them in check like a mature adult should. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I take it out on the ones I love the most.
Satan revels in this..... he LOVED that I acted immaturely and how shut off I was at church today. He wants to make me feel this all the time. Just as Jesus is always waiting with his arms open wide, so is Satan.
I need a timeout for today....... Maybe 3 like Asher.
Emily, I feel for you. I have been in that type of situation before. I know it get's hard.. I know sometimes I have felt like running not looking back. I also remember thinking that no one was listening when I prayed.. Keep your chin up. God would not take you to this place in your life, if he knew you could not handle it. Always remember you are never alone. God is ALWAYS there to guide, comfort and help you through your struggles.. Just lean on him for strength and guidance.
ReplyDeleteMike Notarnicola
oh, i'm sorry emily, that sounds rough. i get that run-away feeling sometimes too. for me it usually only lasts the day, i hope you feel better soon!!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Emily. It gets easier...
ReplyDelete...in about eighteen years!
Actually, it does get easier. Just remember that it's your job to set the boundaries; his job to negotiate for more space. At his age, he's doesn't have a lot of negotiating skills and he's just doing the only thing he can to get control. You'll both get better at it as time goes on.